Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
