I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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