Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
