Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Vodka?
Forever.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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