i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
"it" just moved
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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