There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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