also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
