Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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