I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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