hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
