I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
