I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Text me some of your sweat
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
