I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
