my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I know her cup size but not her name....
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize