Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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