New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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