omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
