Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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