god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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