I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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