If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
