Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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