the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
