STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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