you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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