i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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