Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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