umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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