I'm eating all of the evidence.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
