Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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