cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
