Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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