I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
