a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
