so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Randomize
