Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
