I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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