i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize