She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
