The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
