I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
