my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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