Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
