a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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