3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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