You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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