I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
