once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize