Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
