She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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