My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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