i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I am one with the molecules
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
