The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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