when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
