Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I want her autograph on my taint
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
