apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize