i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
