eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
