She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
that's an acceptable place to lick
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
