If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
