I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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