I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
