They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
