keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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