I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
