Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize